Brawl Madness
by Zelda12343
Summary: Title says all. Some chapters will be oneshots. Some will not. That's basically all I need to say. Rated T for some of the humor
1. Psycho Mouse!

**Don't call me cute!**

**Author's note: **_well, this will be a told in episodes, sort of. I, the author, am a character in it, sort of. That's about all. Also, please don't be offended if I steal your idea. Just tell me in a review. Also, these aren't intended to be hysterical. These are intended to at least amuse people._

_Now, without further ado, let's go!_

It was a normal day in Smash mansion.

Samus and Snake were training. Or rather, Samus was using Snake as her punching bag. The armored girl was quite difficult to hurt. After practice was over and Samus changed into her lighter Zero Suit, she became dimly aware of Bowser and Wario following her. Rolling her eyes, she shot them both with her plasma whip. They yelped and ran off.

Kirby was eating lunch with Toon Link, Young Link, Ness, and Lucas. They were happily having a hot dog eating contest. Of course, Kirby and Toon Link could smoke the others, Toon Link because he had the largest appetite of the children and Kirby because he could expand and retract at will. The others, however, were just glad to down hot dogs as fast as they could. Ah, to be a kid.

Marth and Ike were playing an unusually violent game of checkers. Marth would often throttle Ike when Ike received a king checker, while Ike would kick Marth whenever Marth captured a piece. Roy watched them with amusement. As Marth could, at this point, speak only Japanese, it was difficult to communicate with him.

And in the first lounge of the fifth communal building, all was comparatively peaceful.

On one couch, Link and Zelda sat next to one another with Pikachu in Zelda's lap. He'd bonded with her since coming here, so she'd happily adopted him as her pet when she had enough coins.

On the other couch sat Pit and Zelda12343, more commonly referred to as 'Zell.' After all, they couldn't call her Toon Zelda, though that's who she admittedly was. Pit had pressured Link into making them popcorn, and now he and Zell were gladly eating it as quickly as they could without displaying atrocious manners.

"I hate you, Mart—AAAAA!" came a scream from a nearby room followed by an angry stream of Japanese.

"Still playing that checkers game?" Link asked. He and Zelda had opted for the more adult lunch: soup.

"It appears so," Zell replied. Being the author of the story, who usually had special powers, Zell had expected that everyone would immediately treat her differently. Quite the contrary, to her delight. In the past week that she'd been at Smash mansion, Pit had become her best friend, Link had become her bodyguard, Pikachu had become here surrogate pet, and Zelda had become a sister figure. The four were never seen apart, except during brawls. And none of them cared that if they made her upset, she could make them regret it intensely.

"I hope Marth learns English soon," Pit took out another handful of popcorn. "It's becoming an issue."

"It sure is," agreed Zelda. Pikachu just nodded sleepily.

All of a sudden, Ganondorf entered.

"If you don't give me the popcorn and that cute yellow mouse right now I'll kill you all using warlock punch!" he proclaimed.

"You can't kill us," Pit replied. "Especially not Zell. If you kill her, you're dead as well."

"Whatever, it's just an—urgh!"

Just then, Ganondorf was electrocuted by the little yellow mouse.

"Don't. Call. Me. CUTE!" howled Pikachu. Ganondorf, as soon as he got to his feet, ran for his life, chased by a volt tacke. The others were so stunned, they didn't even move.

"Sorry about that," Pikachu smiled at them as soon as he returned. "Please pass some of that popcorn."

Zell, shaking, tossed him a handful.

All present made a mental note to never call Pikachu cute.


	2. I just wanna surprise you!

**Facebook Smash Brothers**

"Smash mansion to finally receive Facebook coverage," Ike read the cover of 'Smash the Times' to Roy. Marth was present as well, but might as well have been on Pluto. First of all, Ike was still mad at him for smoking him in checkers the day before. Second, he could no more understand their conversation than he could understand animals.

Roy nodded excitedly.

"Yahoo! I'm so glad that Master hand finally agreed!" he whooped. Marth looked at the redhead for a moment before muttering to himself in Japanese.

"Let's go on right now!" Ike grinned. "Now, Brawl life will be so much easier."

"And so much more fun," Lyn was standing in the doorway. As an assist trophy, she didn't have quite as much power as the other two, but was still counted as a character. "I've got a laptop, if anyone wants to join me. After all, you two are still behind times."  
"Why?" Roy asked.

"Because neither of you have a laptop," she smirked. "And every single desktop in smash mansion is currently being used."

Master Hand was sitting cheerfully in his office, typing away at his computer.

Since he and Crazy Hand had discovered a new invention known as 'e-mail' a few days ago, they had every conversation on it. And besides, as Crazy Hand pointed out, only they knew who they were slamming at the moment.

"And Bowser was like, whoa, I'm fighting Master Hand. I wanna fight Crazy Hand," he typed. "Then I **OWN** him!" he clicked send.

"Lol," Crazy Hand, in his room, typed. He then clicked send.

"Did you just say 'lol?'" Master Hand sent.

"Heck yeah! I'm with the times," Crazy Hand replied.

"Lmao," Master Hand finished. Imagine if the brawlers knew that their reserved leader and his younger brother spoke in text lingo! His thoughts were interrupted by a new email from Crazy Hand.

"Hey, M," Crazy Hand's email went. "Check out the new hot thing!" he sent a hyperlink to something that Master Hand had heard of from some older brawlers: Facebook. Master Hand clicked it, and discovered to his surprise that the computer screen announced that it was currently too clogged in their area to let anyone else on. Master Hand cleverly clicked on a link that showed everyone using it, selected his victim, and sent him an IM. Crazy Hand had been IMming for awhile now, and had shown him how to do it.

"Hey, Ganondorf," the IM went. "Get off Facebook now, or suffer."

"WAAAAAA!" came the IM in return. Master Hand slapped himself (if that was possible). He'd accidently traumatized Lucas. Curse that send button. After sending a few soothing IMs to the younger boy and seeing he wasn't on Facebook, he tried again.

"Ganondorf," the IM went. "Get off Facebook or the fight is on."

"YOU STOLE MY LINE! SCREW YOU!" came an angry IM in return. Master Hand cursed. Who knew that Pit used Caps lock so much? He didn't want to pick a fight with the now angry kid, especially since Pit had just beaten him without batting an eyelash. This time, he actually sent it to the person that he had listed as 'Ganondorf.'

"Ganondorf, get off of Facebook or I'll tie you to a tree and Bowser assault you," he IMmed.

"Um, I'm the author," came Zell's reply. Master Hand began shaking.

"Oh gosh! Forgive me!" he IMmed frantically.  
"Already have," she replied. "After all, no one enjoys reading about Master Hand getting owned by the author when everyone knows she'll win."

Master Hand had enough of the jokes and IMmed Crazy Hand, begging him for Ganondorf's contact information. Upon receiving it, he quickly IMmed Ganondorf.  
"Ganondorf, get off Facebook, please." This time, just in case Crazy hand had sent him the wrong information, he didn't use too many threats.

"No. I'm posting links to 'Link gets hurt,'" Came the saucy reply. So he obviously had the right person. What now? Master Hand had a great idea.

"Ganondorf, get off within the next three minutes or the next time we're facing off, I'll use my poking power. And I'll poke you where it hurts."

Almost immediately, a message informed him that Ganondorf was off of Facebook. Almost immediately after that, a message alerted him that his spot had been taken by Celebi.

However, on the upside, he got an IM from Ganondorf.

"Thanks, Master," it began. "I'm never going on Facebook again. I just found 'formspring!' I can insult Link and Zelda and idly threaten them now without them knowing it's me!"

Master Hand shook his head and waited for another opening.

Crazy Hand, glad he'd gotten a spot earlier, was now checking to see what everyone was saying or doing. He was extremely entertained.

**Captain Falcon **just bought some root beer. Woot!

Crazy Hand could see that here were no comments on this one.

**Samus Aran **is now in a relationship with **Solid Snake.**

Crazy Hand excitedly read the comments. Virtually every male bachelor in smash mansion had written "aww, crap!" or "Snake, you lucky -!" as a comment.

**Toon Link **is whining at Zelda for not letting him on Facebook.

**Kirby: **Why are you on Facebook then?

**Zelda: **I TOLD YOU TO GET OFF AND I MEAN IT! YOU'RE MUCH TOO YOUNG TO BE ON FACEBOOK!

**Toon Link: **Zelda, I hate to disappoint you, but this is the twenty-first century. No matter how far you are below the Facebook age limit, you just join.

**Zelda: **But why?

**Toon Link: **Dunno.

**Zelda: **Why did you have to post that you're currently whining at me? I thought you were whining at me and on !

**Toon Link: **Why are you commenting on Facebook instead of yelling at me from across the room?

**Zelda **updated her profile picture!

Crazy Hand checked it out to find a picture of Toon Link getting hit by a dragoon.

**Captain Falcon** is buying ice cream. Chocolate or vanilla?

**Fox **likes this.

**Fox: **Lol; can't decide, can he?

**Wolf **is now in a relationship with likes chocolate!

**Falco: **What's up with Wolf?

**Fox: **He can't work Facebook and thinks he put it in the 'what's on your mind?' box.

**Falco: **And he's from Starfox! LOL!

**Fox: **I quite agree.

**Pit **loves Facebook!

**Peach: **Well, duh! Who doesn't?

**Captain Falcon **is wondering if toilet paper counts as napkins.

**Fox: **Real Einstein here.

**Donkey Kong:** I want some root beer!

**Wolf **sad.

**Fox: **I don't know what's going on here. Maybe he mistook it for a mood box.

**Falco: **Lol.

**Marth Lowell** is wondering why Ike has a picture of him getting dismembered.

**Roy: **You speak English!

**Marth: **No. I'm using a translator.

**Captain Falcon **just realized he forgot his wallet in the car.

**Snake: **BWAHAHA!

**Donkey Kong: **Aww! Gotta wait a bit for my root beer.

**Snake: **No. I shouldn't be laughing.

**Donkey Kong: **Why not?

**Snake: **Captain Falcon is addicted to Facebook and posts everything he does on here.

**Donkey Kong: **Help! Call Dr. Mario!

**Link** has just posted a video!

Now _that _caught Crazy Hand's interest. He loved videos. He entered Link's profile to discover a link to a video called 'Master Hand gets PWNED! (part 1)'

Crazy Hand was laughing so hard he didn't realize that his computer had been hacked into by Master Hand. He'd seen everything.

Crazy Hand didn't want to know what was going to happen to Link until he saw a message underneath it.

**Master Hand** sends his kudos to Link. Despite the fact that he hadn't found it funny at the time that he'd been "PWNED!" by Mr. Resetti the assist trophy, Link's commentary made it funny. Post more! However, Toon Link isn't allowed to go on Facebook for not meeting the age requirement. Also, Pit is currently under surveillance for saying stupid things on Facebook.

**Toon Link: **Aww man! But Aryll was on Facebook at home and she's seven!

**Pit: **Why me? Why not Captain Falcon?

**Toon Link: **Down with the bloody big hand!

**Pit:** That's from Alice in Wonderland.

**Toon Link: **Down with that dictator, then!

**Pit: **Yay!

**Master Hand: **I saw all of that.

**Toon Link: **Whoops…

**Celebi: **Wanna help you, but I doubt I'd be of much help in the current situation.

**Captain Falcon: **Ahh. Finally got home. Who wants root beer?

**Donkey Kong: **I do!

**Pit and Toon Link **(they posted at the same time):_** SHUT UP, CAPTAIN FALCON!**_

Crazy Hand wondered where Master Hand had gotten a spot before seeing his brother's IM history.

"Wario, stop posting pictures of garlic and get off Facebook! Or I'll poke you where it hurts!"

Master Hand was sure an entertaining person.

_

* * *

Like it? Want some more? Feel free to review!_


	3. Character Bashing, Anyone?

**Auditions**

**Author's note: **_Caution. This contains very blatant character bashing. I will tell you that Daisy bashing isn't intentional. She's one of my favorite characters. However, in the auditions, the rest of the characters… well, you'll see._

"You know what I think?" Zell was talking to Pit in the game room. The two had discovered some retro gaming systems and were now perusing some of the games. After all, in video games, the characters had to have their games so that they could compare, complain, and compete with the others.

"What, Zell?" Pit asked. He was using a Gameboy advance, playing The Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap. Ironically, that was the game Zell was from.

"We need more characters," she replied. Suddenly, she fell over giggling.

"What now, Zell?" Pit turned to look at her screen. He realized she'd just been playing his own game, Kid Icarus, and had just taken too many hits from an enemy and had received a 'Game over'.

"What's so funny? In the game, I'm dead!" he was becoming frustrated.  
"Your choice of words is, for some reason, hysterical!" she replied, still giggling. On the screen flashed the words "I'm Finished!"

"Hahaha, very funny," he said sarcastically. "Wait until something happens to you in _your _game—wait, who's that weirdo with that cloak?"

"Something _always _happens to the princess," whined Zell. "Every major Nintendo game that I can think of, the hero has to rescue his princess. Sometimes she rewards him with a kiss. Typical fairytale fluff."

"I only think that that happened in a Legend of Zelda game a few times. It sort of happened in mine. But I know for a fact that Peach and Mario are portrayed as romantically linked in pretty much every game," Pit replied.

"Well, as I was saying," Zell turned on her game once more. "We need some more, stranger people here at Smash Mansion."

"What is this guy doing? He's shooting dark fireballs at all the guards!" Pit obviously hadn't comprehended what she was saying yet. "Oh, yeah, we do," when he realized she'd been talking to him.

"I'll ask Master Hand and Crazy Hand if they'd consider auditions," Zell continued.

"Okay, oka—WOW!" Pit was still paying more attention to his game. "You're shooting the monsters!"

"I don't know why I'm still not an official brawler," Zell complained. "I can use Din's fire!"

"I think it's because you're too awesome for brawls—stupid Link, jump aside!" Pit was now shouting at his Gameboy. "If you see the guy about to shoot you and your friend, you don't hold a teeny shield up! You grab her hand and—oh, man. Zell, you just got turned to stone!"

"Could you pay attention?" she asked. Any talk about how useless she'd been during the duration of Minish Cap put her in a bad mood.

"Sure. I like your idea. I'll go gather a list of characters," Pit raced out. Zell, meanwhile, went to have an audience with the Hands. She hoped they liked her idea.

* * *

"So, as I was saying, so elegantly backed up by Ness here who so gladly showed up, we need some more characters," Zell finished.

"Do you have any idea of who you'd like included?" Master Hand asked.  
"Pit's doing a survey," she replied. "I sure hope he can catch up with Yoshi. He's final smashing again."

"Pit's got wings," Master Hand replied. "Wings of Icarus, might I add."

"LOL," said Crazy Hand. He was obviously looking at Facebook.

"A Hand just said LOL!" Ness seemed genuinely surprised. "I've got to tell everyone!"

"No, you won't," Master Hand snapped.

"Yes, I will."

"Why did you say that?" Zell asked.

"DKDC," Crazy Hand replied.

"Okay, we'll have to hold the auditions now," Zell was smug. "It'll distract Ness."

"Um, I'm right here," Ness tapped her shoulder.

* * *

After some more heated conversation between Zell and the Hands, they were on their way to a (hopefully) great audition. It was on Final Destination, and the smashers sat where the crowd usually did. Everyone was extremely excited, so when Zell got the auditions underway, everyone was nearly falling out of their seats. They loved the idea of new smashers. New faces were always welcome.

"I can hardly wait!" Zelda gasped.

"Neither can I," Link replied.

"I hope Zell makes good choices," Pit was hovering above them slightly, getting the best view possible. With wings came many benefits.

First Audition: Waluigi

"I'm-a tired of-a my status being assist-a trophy!" he cried.

"What can you do, exactly?" Master Hand was taking notes on his laptop as Zell asked questions.

"My-a tennis racket," Waluigi grinned and smacked one of the dummies onstage. "I-a can also-a do-a this!" with that, he hit one of the soccer balls onstage with his tennis racket. The aim was a close to perfect as possible. Unfortunately, just then, it hit Master Hand. That time, near perfect wasn't nearly enough.

"Um, we'll consider you," Zell looked uncomfortable next to the seething Master Hand.

"NO, WE WON'T!" Master Hand screamed. "GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE TAKE YOU OFF YOUR ASSSIST TROPHY!"

"That was mean," muttered Zell as Waluigi skittered off the stage.

"He needed putting in his place," Master Hand replied.

"People smack you all the time!"

"Only in brawls," he snapped in reply. Zell feared for the safety of whoever was going next. Master Hand was in a terrible mood

Second Audition: Daisy

"It's-a my girl!" Luigi cried happily when he saw her on the stage.

"Hi, I'm Daisy, and I'd like to be a character," she said politely. She carefully demonstrated her powers, but Master Hand was unimpressed.

"They're the same as Peach," he muttered. Daisy fled crying from the stage.

"Why do I always have to be compared to her?" she sobbed as she left.

"Well, maybe we'll make her an assist trophy, just to compromise," suggested Zell.

Third Audition: Ruto

"Um, this game is rated T?" Zell was confused when the Zora, dressed in nothing but her birthday suit, came on stage.

"Until you learn what clothes are, stay away," added Master Hand. Ruto walked off the stage, never even able to display her powers. _Did she even have any?_ wondered Zell. _Or did her near-constant indecent exposure just scare everyone off?_

"And she was the girl who decided you were her fiancée, right?" Zelda looked upset.

"I never agreed. That nudity thing really creeps me out," Link replied. Zelda looked relieved.

"She was pretty, though," Zelda said hesitantly.

"Not as pretty as some I know," Link smiled at her.

Fourth Audition: Tingle

"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed Toon Link, ducking under his seat. Link, Zelda, and Zell followed suit, leaving a very confused Pit hanging in the air.

"Tingle Tingle Loompah Loompah! Koolimpah! I can hardly wait to be a fairy!" Tingle sang.

"Um, guys, what's wrong?" Pit asked Toon Link, who looked as though he were trying to avoid bomb shrapnel under his seat.

"It's Tingle! He's the second-most annoying Legend of Zelda character ever!" Toon Link replied, obviously frightened. "Besides, on my Four Swords Adventure (see the manga) I rescued him, and in repayment he nabbed my force gem _and _almost got my purple clone killed!"

"Doesn't sound too bad to me," Pit replied, still confused.

"He distracted Link on kinstone quests in Minish Cap when he should've been trying to rescue me," Zell cried angrily.

"Okay, that's pretty bad," Pit was now in agreement with the others. "DIE, YOU MISERABLE WANNABE FAIRY!" he shouted to Tingle and aimed one of his arrows.

"A fairy with wings!" Tingle shrieked and raced toward Pit, who stopped aiming his arrow and fled screaming like a small girl. Of course, Tingle gave chase in his balloon.

"Um, let's not let him in," Zell mumbled to Master Hand.

"You're going to stay as an assist trophy!" he announced.

"Aww," Tingle's balloon popped and he left to back stage.

"Whew," Zell, Zelda, Toon Link, Link, and Pit all gave a sigh of relief and emerged from their hiding place, or, in Pit's case, flew back to above his seat.

"For the next audition, the character auditioning has asked for a volunteer!" Crazy Hand called, finally looking up from his laptop. "Link, how about you come up?"

"Fine," mumbled Link, climbing backstage to meet the character. A second later, he ran out screaming.

"No, I don't want to, why do I have to?" he sobbed.

"Why's he acting like that?" Toon Link asked Zelda, climbing onto her lap. It was a habit for him to sit on her lap whenever Link wasn't around. Everyone knew he had a crush on her. However, everyone also knew that she had a crush on Link. No one knew how Link felt about her, though.

"I don't want to know," Zelda mumbled. All of a sudden she screamed as well when the auditioning character emerged.

Fifth audition: Navi

"Oh, god," breathed Toon Link. He'd had Ciela as a fairy partner, and had heard from Link that Ciela was ten times better and less annoying as Navi. She'd occasionally ticked him off, but he'd heard Navi was much worse.

"IT'S THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN MY ENTIRE SERIES!" Link hollered.

"So, Miss, what is your power?" Master Hand asked, a little surprised by the reaction of Link.

"I'll show you," she replied cheerfully. Then, she fluttered next to Link. Zelda covered her ears- and her eyes.

"HEY!" the fairy suddenly screamed, right in Link's ear. "LISTEN!"

Toon Link began to cry.

"What's wrong?" Pit asked him.

"What he has to endure," he sobbed as the fairy continued her one-sided conversation with a very unfortunate Link.

"LOOK!"

"Where?" Link turned around to see that she had floated above Zelda with her ears covered.

"HELLO!" She began flying quickly in circles around him.

"WATCH OUT!" With that, Navi flew and turned green above a dummy.

"Why do I exist?" moaned Link.

"HEY!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"HELLO!"  
"WATCH OUT!"  
"LOOK!"  
"HEY!"

By now, the entire audience was screaming or clutching their ears.

"HEY!"  
"LOOK!"  
"HEY!"  
"WATCH OUT!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"**WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?"** screamed Pit and aimed an arrow. The entire audience began cheering him on. Just as he released his deadly projectile, Navi turned green and flew upward.

"WATCH OUT!"

Link gave a sigh and made a rude gesture at Navi.

"HELLO!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"HEY!"  
"LOOK!"  
"HELLO!"  
"HEY!"

Link finally had enough and leapt off a cliff, earning Navi a KO.

"WATCH OUT!" she screamed finally.

"BOO!" The smashers in the audience had never been so negative.

"Well, she was… powerful," Master Hand mumbled to Zell. "Let's consider her."

"If you let her in, no one would forgive you," she mumbled in reply.

"Any more auditions?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "That stupid fairy gave me a headache."

_Did I hurt anyone's feelings in my bashings? If I did, don't hesitate to let me know in a review. Also, I am now accepting any requests for my next Auditions in a few chapters. Until then, do you have any ideas? Do you have any questions? Detect the beginnings of romance? Just let me know._

_Also, Navi? Yes, I hate her. I hope I didn't make it too obvious (sarcasm intended here)._


	4. Samus pickup fails!

**How not to hook up with Samus**

**Author's note: **_Yeah, Samus is said to be hot. Nearly all the guys in the game have been linked with her in some fanfiction or other. Now let's see how she reacts to them._

Ganondorf was pacing throughout his room nervously. He was waiting for Samus, who'd left her Power Suit in the training room, to pass by his room. He had something very important to ask her. Most boys in their game wanted to ask her the same thing. Well, not Pit. He was too busy spending time with Zell. Not Toon Link. He was in love with Zelda. Link? Unclear. He spent a lot of time with Zelda, but nothing romantic… or was it?

He heard footsteps that would break him out of his reverie. Samus! He had to ask her now. Exiting his room, he called after her.  
"Hey! Samus!"

She sighed and stopped, he walking towards her in what he hoped was a sexy way.

"So, uh, Sam?" he asked. She nodded, appearing uninterested. Then again, she usually appeared uninterested.

"I reserved a booth at Mario Pasta tonight," he continued. "Wanna come—OH!"

With that, Samus hit him where it hurt the most. With her laser whip.

"Sorry. I'm already busy," she said coolly and continued walking. Ganondorf crawled back to his room, not caring if he was sexy or not.

"These stupid boys," she mumbled. "Why don't they ever believe that I'm already busy?"

Samus barely got down the hall when she was once again facing a lovestruck individual of the opposite gender.

"Hey, Samus!" Bowser shouted cheerfully at her.

"You nearly made me deaf," she replied in her usual cool voice. Most boys found her voice part of her allure, so she only talked overmuch to Link, her best friend. She'd made sure upon several occasions that he had no romantic feelings towards her.

"You're, uh, really hot!" Bowser continued in his loud voice.

"Again, I barely heard you. You're too loud," she smirked and kept walking. She, in actuality, had heard him just fine. Oh well. All the worse for him.

"And so, now that the fact that you're really hot has been established, I am going to ask you out!" Bowser continued shouting at her.

"To where, might I ask?" she reached into her pocket in a subtle manner. Bowser had seen her randomly put her hand in her pocket before. Habit, he assumed.

"Luigi's Pizza!" he shouted.

"No. Your voice is getting on my nerves," with that, she pulled her hand out of her pocket and punched him with all her might.

"OOH!" he groaned, now lying on the floor. She kept walking, in the same calm manner.

"Next time you want to pick up a girl, you'll have to be more subtle," she smirked again as she walked away.

Ah, the pleasure of refusing him.

Snake was aiming a remote missile out of his box when he realized Samus was walking by.

He emerged from his box and, trying not to be creepy, whistled, put his hands in his pockets, and walked quickly to catch up with her, forgetting about the remote missile.

"Hey Samus! I hear you've refused two guys already so you must be waiting for a guy that you actually like to come along and ask you so do you want to come with me tonight to the Pokemon steak house because I'm not busy tonight so if you want me to I'll reserve a table near the stage Jigglypuff performs or Charizard grills it in front of you to make sure he got the order right and—OH NUTS!"

Just then, Snake's run-on sentence was interrupted by the return of his remote missile. He'd forgotten he was still controlling it, and in a particularly spirited gesture, had aimed it at himself.

As he lay on the floor, looking slightly burned, Samus continued walking.

"New record: the longest sentence ever said to me when attempting to hook up with me," she made a note in her head.

Ike and Link were having a sword duel in the hall.

No matter that Master Hand had forbidden use of weapons in the hall. That rule was broken every five minutes.

No matter that their fight was the same one that started the same way every day.

Ike was in a bad mood, and when he was in a bad mood, he found the best thing to do was to seek out Link and challenge him to a duel.

When Ike made a particularly fierce stab at him, Link pulled up his shield. Link polished it a lot, so it was so shiny, Ike could see behind him. Which was unfortunate for his concentration. Just then Samus walked by.

Ike lost all interest in the battle. As a matter of fact, he lowered his sword. Link watched in confusion as he stared at the mirror image of Samus. His jaw dropped open. She was stunning as usual.

However, his reverie was interrupted when Link slammed the hilt of his sword into Ike's gut. He fell over wheezing and Link walked over to talk to Samus.

"Thanks," she smiled.

"No problem. How'd you avoid all the guys in your Zero Suit?" he replied.

"I just plowed through 'em and said I was busy," she closed her eyes triumphantly.

"Hey, did they buy it?"

"You bet."

"You really are busy, aren't you? Cause if not, I could always take you to Kirby's Kuisine like I did last time you needed an excuse."

"I really am busy."

"You got someone?"  
"The one adult male here that doesn't think I'm hot," she replied. "He thinks I'm beautiful, though."

"What's the difference?"

"I forgot to clarify. He thinks I'm beautiful on the inside."

Samus finally reached her destination, without any other attempts at a pick-up.

Letting herself in by the window, she found the one boy who loved her, not had the hots for her, the one boy who saw her as smart, not sexy, the one boy who kept up the pretense during the day of not loving her back was waiting for her.

She sat down on the couch next to him as he brushed the hair from her face, and she brushed the hair from his. Ah, how noble he looked in the last of the sun's rays streaming from the window onto his face. The lovers' eyes met for a moment, Samus letting her dreamy side get the better of her, before she leaned in for a kiss. No one knew how romantic Samus really was.

However, the perfect moment was interrupted when Roy burst in. His eyes widened in shock when he saw Samus was kissing someone. And when he realized who that someone was, he gasped.

"SAMUS IS SNOGGING MARTH! OH MY GOD!" he screamed. However, before he could continue, Marth got up and pushed the younger boy to his knees.

"And you won't tell anyone. Got it?" Marth snapped.

"You speak English?" Roy gasped.

"Yes. But it's more fun to watch you struggle to communicate with me," he replied and knocked him on the head so hard, Samus was surprised that the younger boy had no brain damage.

"So. Off to Kirby's Kuisine?" she asked him.

"The private booth Kirby always reserves for you and me," Marth replied smugly. Their hands clasped as the two walked out or a night of fun togetherness, in total secret. Samus led the two down the private corridor that led to the restaurant, glad that only Kirby and Meta Knight knew of their romantic relationship. They even knew to close the restaurant 'for cleanup' whenever the two came for a visit.

As they walked down the corridor together, Marth didn't think of a thing except how lucky he'd been to get Samus. Who cared if she was pretty? She was the perfect girl for him, personality-wise. Besides, she never called him girly.

Ah, how lucky the two were to be in love. In secret.


	5. Pika PWN!

**Sonic gets PWNed!**

**Author's note: **_Caution: character bashing. Severe character bashing. If I hurt anyone's feelings, don't hesitate to tell me, okay? Also, in a chapter or so, I will be honoring a (nonexistent) request (that was just made up by Zell for an excuse to post it) for a character/personality matchup._

_

* * *

_

"Hey, how's it going?" asked an enthusiastic Tails over the phone to Sonic. Sonic paused for a moment to tell the embarrassing truth to Tails.

"Well, the brawls are great. However…" Sonic sighed. "I'm unemployed."

"WHAT?" Tails shrieked over the phone.

"Yes, Tails, I'm unemployed," Sonic replied quietly. "Please don't take it out on me too hard."

"I'm not upset at the fact that you're unemployed, I'm upset at how you're acting about it," Tails replied angrily. "I know of a lot of the others that are unemployed in Smash Mansion!"

"Examples, please…" Sonic didn't bother finishing.

"I have a lot of examples!" Tails shouted over the phone. "Pit, for one!"

"A kid. Besides, he's practically Zell's secretary, bodyguard, best friend, servant, main vehicle of transportation, and basically everything he could be to her! All she'll have to do is give him a salary."

"Lucas!"

"Kid."

"Ness!"

"He's employed _and_ a kid! It's those overachievers that make me feel bad."

"Sheik!"

"Zelda's employed!"

"Sheik's not!"

"They're the same person."

"Really? Oh. Toon Link!"

"How many kids are you going to name?"

"Samus!"

"You mean the most sought-after (both for jobs and for romance) bounty hunter in the galaxy? She's a freaking bounty hunter, Tails!"

"Snake!"

"No, no, wait. SNAKE's unemployed?" Sonic gasped. "Seriously? SNAKE?"

"Yeah," Tails began a very interesting story. "On 'Employment Day'-"

"Which I somehow missed," mumbled Sonic.

"-Snake just spent the whole day in his room, codec-messaging the other of his team members."

"No, seriously?"

"Yes."

"Who else is unemployed? This is getting good!"

"Marth!"

"Marth can't speak English." Just then, Sonic heard an angry stream of Japanese behind him and had to duck to avoid Falchion.

"Weird," he said to Tails as soon as they were back on. "It's as if he understood me."

"Well, also," Tails added, "Pikachu's unemployed."

"Why's he unemployed? No one can resist him."

"I don't like where you're going with this one," cautioned Tails, but couldn't stop Sonic.

"He's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!" gushed Sonic.

"Pika-" came a voice behind him, Sonic turned around to see that Pikachu was in 'Final Smash' mode.

"Oh, beans," Sonic swore.

"Sonic? What's going on?"

"CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Just then, Sonic was repeatedly hit by Pikachu's Final Smash. Several times. When it was over, Sonic lay on the ground with severe electrical burns. None of the smashers walked by, saving him from instant mortification-

That is, until Fox calmly passed him, Falco in tow.

"You called Pikachu the word, didn't you?" asked Fox smugly.

"Which word?" asked Falco.

"I called him cute! Well, he is!" Sonic declared. Suddenly, a thunderbolt smashed into him.

"How could he have heard that?" asked Sonic angrily. "He's two floors below us."

"He has ways of hearing when people call him the- ahem, the word," Fox replied smoothly.

"What? CUTE? UUUUUUUUUUUU!" Sonic's statement ended in another thunderbolt.

"Pikachu's very fierce," commented Fox in a calm tone.

"Why are you goading me into saying he's cute? Huh- DARN YOU, FOX MCCLOUD and FALCO LOMBARDI!" Sonic's statement ended in a very harsh curse (for him) as he turned around to see Pikachu.

"How'd you get up here so fast?" asked Sonic.

"My recovery move," replied Pikachu.

"But I'm supposed to be 'Sonic', and I can't jump between floors that fast!" Sonic cried angrily.

"Fail moment here," commented Fox dryly.

"What's stopping you from killing him?" asked Falco.

"He's so cute- NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Pikachuuuuuuuuuu!" Pikachu shouted and threw a bolt of electricity at him, knocking him out.

"You better go get Samus to take him to the med-bay," Fox smirked. Pikachu left.

"One question, Fox," Falco began.

"Ask away, Falco," Fox replied.

"Why did you goad Sonic into saying the -ahem, the word, so much?"  
"The hedgehog annoys me. Needs to get a proper name, like 'Hedgehog' or something."

* * *

_Please let me know how I did! It's bad, I know, but I'm running out of ideas!_


	6. I'm sorry, okay?

**Negative (torture) Zone**

**Author's note: **_This one will be a bit short. Sorry. I hope you find it funny._

_

* * *

_

Princess Peach was at the end of her wits. And her patience.

She was currently on her job as teacher, and wished she wasn't. she currently had to teach a class consisting of Toon Link, Ness, Lucas, Zell Kirby, Popo, and Nana. Toon Link wasn't too bad, Ness was too busy looking out for Lucas to be any trouble, and Lucas was too quiet and sweet to be any trouble. Zell was the author, so no matter how she acted, Peach wouldn't do a thing. It was Kirby, Popo, and Nana who were the real issues. Kirby tended to eat the other children when her back was turned. He'd spit them out again, but as a result, everyone was really scared of him. And Popo and Nana were the real troublemakers.

Just as she finished her lesson, both of the Ice Climbers began jumping and throwing ice everywhere.

"This isn't a brawl," Peach tried to reason with them. However, they didn't listen and threw ice at her. To add to that, Kirby ate Zell when her back was turned, then spat her out right onto Lucas. Ness was so frustrated that he actually started a brawl right there in the classroom. Poor Peach was so frustrated in trying to separate them that instead of gently separating them, she did so using Peach Bomber.

"Would you just stop?" she shouted at them. "If you don't, I'll send you to the torture chamber!"

However, no one took her seriously. Luigi's negative zone wasn't exactly the worst torture. Actually, the music was nice. Everyone, that is, except Zell, who Peach exchanged a glance with. Toon Link and Ness noticed, so they stopped. Kirby noticed them stopping, so he stopped as well. Now, the only ones still going were Popo and Nana. As a matter of fact, to prove that they didn't care, they attacked Ness and Lucas to start a brawl with them. Kirby and Toon Link leapt right in.  
"Okay, that is IT!" Peach screeched. "All of you: TO THE TORTURE CHAMBER!"

All of them got into line. Zell and Peach walked ahead, looking rather smug, as the boys followed.

None were too worried. They'd been in the negative zone before. It wasn't as though it were as bad as when they had to brawl Navi. She'd been in the brawl list a total of one day before the crowd and smashers had booed her so much that Master Hand forced her out. However, she was still in Smash Mansion, albeit in the most isolated corridor. No one knew what she was up to.

None of the boys were really worried. It wasn't as if they were going to actually meet Navi.

* * *

Boy were they wrong.

Flying through there, wings totally unfurled, was their worst nightmare. Luigi was standing in the middle of the room, wearing headphones that were blasting loud music, but the boys weren't so lucky.

"HEY!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"LOOK!"  
"HELLO!"  
"WATCH OUT!"  
"LISTEN!"  
"HELLO!"  
"LOOK!"  
"HEY!"  
"HEY!"  
"HEY!"

"WHYYYYYY?" sobbed Toon Link. The others were all screaming.

Just then, the worst thing possible happened. Luigi unfurled the negative zone. Or rather, the upgraded negative zone.

This negative zone, besides inverting the color of everything, magnified every sound.

"**HEY!"  
"LISTEN!"**

**"HELLO!"**

**"HEY!"**

**"WATCH OUT!"**

"STOP IT!" screamed Lucas.

**"F#K YOU!" **Navi shouted in her obnoxious voice.

"Wait, where did Navi learn that word?" asked Popo.

"Something to do with Lucario, I think," replied Nana. However, they conversation was stopped short when Luigi started blasting music throughout the negative zone (though he kept his headphones on a different channel_.

Not just any music, either. He played "the smurf song".

No one in smash mansion could stand "the smurf song."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the boys all screamed in unison.

"WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?" shouted Kirby.

* * *

Outside, Peach smirked.

"That'll teach them to misbehave in _my _class," she smirked.

* * *

**Author's note: **_I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings here. I just hate the smurf song. Sorry. Well, anyway, just let me know how this one did in the reviews._

_Also, the return of Navi? Sorry to those who hate her. I hate her, too. I just love to see her getting bashed._


	7. And now, what you've been waiting for

**Tennis time!**

**Author's note: **_I've been gone for awhile. Sorry. I hope that this chapter will make up for it! It contains blatant character bashing (again). However, I'm hoping that it pleases all of you...

* * *

_

"I can't believe you've gotten me to do this," grumbled Zell. "Did you have to accept Link's Doubles Tennis offer? And did you have to say that I was you partner?"

"Yep. You weren't busy," replied Pit. He twanged the strings of his racket, very similar to the way he would his bow, and motioned for Zell to do the same. She rolled her eyes and sauntered down the hallway. Pit followed her for a moment, until they heard it.

"HEY!"

Both of them pulled out earplugs and iPods faster than anyone could say "LISTEN!". Plugging them in, the two separately enjoyed the one protection against Navi: loud music.

"Is she gone?" Pit asked after a moment. Zell nodded and turned off her iPod. Pit grinned, and the two continued down the hallway, iPods at the ready in case Navi made her reappearance. iPods were very popular in Smash Mansion right now, mainly thanks to the blue ball of annoyance. As a matter of fact, Marth had borrowed Ike's iPod so often that the two were now on speaking terms… or rather, on term of Ike trying to get Marth to understand something without trying to bash his skull in.

When they finally reached one of the tennis courts, they found that Link and Zelda weren't there yet. While waiting for the two to arrive, Pit and Zell turned their attention to the court next to them, where they watched Ness and Lucas, own Captain Falcon and Bowser. Bowser would scream like a little girl whenever the tennis ball was hit towards him, and whenever Captain Falcon hit the ball back towards the boys, he'd strike a heroic pose and exclaim about how manly he was, giving Ness or Lucas plenty of time to hit the ball to the other side of the court. On the other side, Lucas was totally unafraid of tennis balls, as they reminded him of dogs, while Ness wasn't manly and knew this very well.

"You guys having fun?" came a voice behind Pit and Zell after a few minutes. The two turned around to see that Link and Zelda were standing there, wearing identical tennis uniforms, both marked with the Triforce symbol.

"Was that accidental?" Pit asked, pointing to the Triforce symbols.

"Yep," Zelda replied. "Now I'm going to warn you, there aren't very many tennis balls left."  
"Has Kirby been eating them again?" Zell asked.

"How'd you guess?" Link sighed and served the first tennis ball. Immediately, Zell hit it back to Zelda, who hit it very hard to Pit, who hit it to Zelda, who hit it to Zell, who hit it to Zelda, who scored the first point for Zell and Pit by hitting it out. Pit and Zell high-fived and turned to face Zelda and Link as Link served the ball once again.

Captain Falcon, meanwhile, noticed the new match and signaled for his own to end. The victorious psychics ran over to watch the new match, while Bowser and Captain Falcon trailed behind a bit. When Link, Pit, Zelda, and Zell realized that they were being watched, Pit hit the ball way too hard and sent it flying into the parking lot. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Ike was teaching Lucario how to drive his Jeep. Lucario was doing fairly well (yes, having Pokémon drive was illegal, but Ike broke rules frequently), but unfortunately, just then, Lucario backed up the Jeep and ran over the tennis ball.

"Did I just hear a crunch?" asked Ike.

"AAAHHHH! F#K!" screamed Lucario and began driving in all random directions, hitting the thankfully unoccupied cars in the parking lot. It took about five minutes for Lucario to ram into Master Hand's 'Hand Mobile,' a car made of solid steel that was totally sound and impact proof with missile-proof glass and diamond fenders. Of course, Ike's jeep didn't stand a chance, and neither did foul-mouthed Lucario and Ike himself.

"Did I just hear an explosion?" Pit asked Zell as Link served the next tennis ball.

"Nope," Zell replied. "But I can hear an extremely angry hand."

They could hear Master Hand now screaming at Ike and Lucario.

"HOW DARE YOU HIT MY CAR? YOU GOT SOOT ALL OVER THE HOOD! BESIDES, YOU COULD'VE DIED! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE THE RULES THAT I PUT IN PLACE FOR YOU TO BE SAFE? AND LUCARIO, WHY WERE YOU DRIVING? IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT YOU'RE HOLDING THE STEERING WHEEL! GUH, IKE, YOU'RE BLEEDIDNG ALL OVER MY CAR! GET TO THE MED-BAY NOW! HOW DARE YOU RISK YOUR LIVES LIKE THAT?"

Zelda giggled, and as a result, Link turned around to look at her, serving the tennis ball right into Captain Falcon's weak spot.

"GAH!" he shrieked and Falcon Punched the offending ball.

"Uh oh," Zelda murmured as the ball disintegrated.

"Sorry," Captain Falcon gasped afterwards.

"It's okay-uh oh," Zelda realized that Kirby was now standing on the sidelines. Kirby the tennis ball eater.

"HIIIIIIIII!" shouted Kirby.

Link nervously served the third tennis ball. This one lasted a full game until all of a sudden, it was hit by a blast from a gun.

"Like it?" Fox smirked, watching Toon Link's wide-eyed expression. "Yep, I can hit a tennis ball while it's in the air."

"So can I!" shouted Falco and fired at the fourth tennis ball, which had just left Zell's racket.

"UGH!" shouted all four tennis players.

"The last ball has to be guarded better," said Zelda and served it. Hardly had the words left her mouth when Kirby ate it.

"Well, there goes our tennis match," mumbled Pit, giving Kirby the evil eye.

"HEY!" shouted Navi.

"Great, we lost five tennis balls and now this!" shouted Zell. However, Link's eyes gleamed with excitement. Reaching into the air with his tennis racket, he lightly batted his fairy to Pit. Pit hit the fairy back to Zelda, and from that point on in the game, Navi was their tennis ball. All of the onlookers cheered.

Navi was finally getting owned.


	8. Wolf makes mistakes part I, hopefully

**Wolf tries kidnapping part one**

_Author's note: Well, this came out of little things my best friend and I made up while we were having fun with SSBB. Also, it is the beginning of an advertisement subplot, which advertises my upcoming fics Wolf's Kidnapping Skillz and the much darker Where did the children go? __Enjoy and do not hate on me!_

* * *

_Wolf grinned sneakily and snuck through stage after stage, room after room, office after office. He was looking for someone. Ganondorf had tasked him with kidnapping the youngest residents of the mansion. Wolf wasn't exactly sure why Ganondorf wanted him to kidnap children (Ganondorf had a fetish for kidnapping, whether it was princesses or otherwise), but was more than willing to do so for his friend._

_Today, Wolf's unfortunate victim was to be none other than Ness, psychic extraordinaire. But where was he?_

Wolf had seen some pretty odd sights as he snuck through the stages: Zelda destroying the sandbag at the home

* * *

run contest area instead of just hitting it, Luigi unfurling the negative zone at the Temple stage (much to the horror of the Ice Climbers; though Wolf could only guess why), Lucas hiding behind the Ultimate Chimera in New Pork City, and, most frighteningly, Captain Falcon singing karaoke at Distant Planet (the music was Ai No Uta, one of the few songs with words. Poor Yoshi looked as though he was being tortured as Captain Falcon warbled along to the Japanese lyrics). The bedrooms in Smash Manor weren't exactly normal either: Peach and Mario in bed (Wolf had taken one look inside the room quite by accident and had run out before Peach could chuck a frying pan at him), Pit and Zell crashing in the game room as usual, Zelda making out with a poster of Link and sighing, Fox looking at a picture of his girlfriend and sighing in loneliness (well, even Wolf had to admit that Krystal was fantastic), Wario reading porn, Zelda once again (Wolf had made a severe navigational error and opened her door again), this time writing offensive comments on and defacing pictures of Midna, Malon, Ilia, several Great Fairies, Saria, Nabooru, Hena, and Ruto, and, Master Hand somehow crying into his pillow. Wolf hadn't even known that hands had tears.

"OUT! NOW!" Master Hand had screamed. "DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ALL 'PRINCESS PEACH CAUGHT IN BED WITH MARIO' ON YOU?"

"Actually, that's already happened to me tonight," Wolf mumbled, though he made a very quick escape.

Finally, at Lyat Cruise, he found Ness staring off into space. Now was his chance to KO Ness and kidnap him before anyone realized what was happening! What an opportunity!

Take one

"NESS!" bellowed Wolf. Ness, however, paid no attention and continued to stare off into space. The asteroid he was watching was so beautiful! Ness was on the edge of the stage, actually leaning off the edge, though keeping his balance barely. However, he didn't notice. What a cool asteroid! What would Lucas think?

Wolf grabbed a conveniently placed power star and flew upwards.  
"YES, NESS, I'LL GET YOU!" screamed Wolf insanely. Ness did not notice. Wolf was sure that that would be his downfall. After all, he was in perfect position-

Just then, the ship banked just the slightest bit, causing Wolf to miss the stage entirely and go crashing into the bottom boundary.

All this without Ness noticing.

Take two

"Yes, Ness, I'll get you now!" Wolf smirked and began chasing the just-appeared Smash Ball. Ness, meanwhile, was now watching as Corneria soared by. What a nice planet. Too bad the ship was seemingly getting burned up in the atmosphere. It was obscuring the view anyway. What an inconvenience. It had distracted the fighters too many times to count.

As it was distracting Wolf. He watched the fire lick at the ship in horror as he called the power of the Smash Ball, not noticing that once again, the ship was moving a little off track, causing Wolf to not be hovering over it, but rather the bottom boundary.

"Wait, why am I still falling?" Wolf wondered, a minute too late. Just then, he once again hit the bottom boundary, losing the Smash Ball's power.

Ness didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, however. That continent was shaped very nicely.

Take three

"This time, I'm SURE to succeed!" Wolf shrieked joyfully and tossed a sticky bomb at Ness.

Ness, however, failed to notice. Why wouldn't he, with a space battle of Star Wars proportions going on in the foreground? Then again, Ness was usually awed by Star Fox. They were just SO COOL!

He did, however, notice that there was a sticky bomb on him. Shrugging, he tossed it to the right.

Which just happened to be where Wolf was. Unfortunately for the anthropomorphic lupine, it chose that moment to explode.

And though Ness was paying far too much attention to the beauty of his surroundings, his interface showed him that he had just scored a KO.

Take four

(Author's note: I'm tired and as a result, this'll be the final take)

Wolf smirked as he scooped up the party ball and prepared to toss it over himself.

Ness was still not paying attention. What was the matter with that boy? He was now watching the stars pass as if it weren't a normal occurrence.

Wolf tossed the party ball over his head, preparing for something, anything. Just then, the party ball cracked open-

BOOM!  
It had to be full of bobombs.

Ness heard the boom that time and realized that someone had just received a KO. Idly, he wondered who it was.

No matter. He had stargazing to do.

* * *

_"I take it you failed," Ganondorf boomed to Wolf._

_"...How'd you guess?"_

_"Your tail's between your legs. Ah well, better luck next time!_


End file.
